Confessions about my COVID addictions
I’ve been going in and out of some COVID addictions this past year.
Ice cream – salted caramel, Ben and Jerry’s Cherry Garcia, and Chunky Monkey. Bars of dark chocolate with sea salt and almonds. Tortilla chips with lime.
No surprise, the classic addiction combinations of sweet, salty, and fat.
I’ve also been compulsively going through my iPhone newsfeed late at night when I should be sleeping. Sigh.
Since the end of December though, these have taken a backseat to an addiction I stumbled into that has fully gripped me.
I mean FULLY.
What’s fascinating though, is it’s not a “bad behavior” addiction. It fills me with joy, lifts my spirits, and boosts my immune system. More than anything else I'm doing, it's helping me get through hard days when I feel unmotivated, sad, or just weary.
And yet, it has the pull of an addiction and derails me from getting stuff done. How can something that’s an obsession be so good for me?
December 21, 2020. I’m procrastinating from some work I need to get done that I am not motivated about. I have the brilliance to come up with a nearly impossible task/distraction.
I decide I want to learn the dance choreography to the BTS song, “Dynamite.”
Jin, Jimin, Jungkook, Jimmy Fallon, V, RM, Suga, J-Hope in New York’s Grand Central Terminal, February 2020.
Have you heard of BTS?
BTS stands for Bangtan Sonyeondon, which means “Bulletproof Boy Scouts” in Korean.
BTS is a seven member Korean boy band with the biggest global fanbase right now. They are the first band since the Beatles to have four #1 albums within a year.
I have shamelessly become one of the millions of obsessed BTS fans.
I’ve been drawn in by how they express a masculinity that’s tender, emotionally expressive and vulnerable, androgynous, physically affectionate with other men, humble and respectful.
Back to the evening of December 21. I very conveniently procrastinate for a few hours. I watch the BTS Dynamite music video on half speed, replaying a few sections over and over and over as I attempt to learn the moves. It is super slow going. And hard. And a major workout.
I am hooked.
Fast forward two months to February 2021.
What started out as a strategy for procrastination has turned into a full-on addiction. I’ve maybe missed 4 days of dance practice in 60 days. And that was only because I pulled a muscle from doing a high kick without warming up or stretching first. LOL.
I ask myself, “Why am I attempting to dance like a young 20-something professional boy-band dancer/singer?!”
In my December Blog post, I shared a video of my 82-year old mom performing with her tap dance group, The Tip Top Tappers. She was hesitant to let me share the video at first. But then agreed after I assured her it would warm people’s hearts during the holidays when we really needed to be uplifted.
I tell students and leaders I coach, I will never ask them to do something that I haven’t done myself. How could I not include my own mother? So after she was willing to put herself out there, I’m taking this opportunity to stretch out of my comfort zone and share this video with you : )
I don’t know if you can tell, but I get SO HAPPY when I do this dance. Especially now that I’m past the frustrating stage of trying to learn it. I hope it brings a smile to your face – or a hearty chuckle. Who knows... maybe you’ll be inspired to put some music on and dance, or even start practicing with a Dynamite tutorial video!
Or just enjoy another version of Dynamite by BTS with a Michael Jackson-inspired dance break that’s fun.
There is plenty of research about how dancing is a great thing for body and mind because it causes the release of chemicals that are good for your brain...dopamine, serotonin, endorphins, oxytocin.
I literally feel the “happy” effect of these chemicals surging through my body. And I’ve become addicted to it.
When I feel low energy and unmotivated, I know if I pull up the Youtube video, and do the three and a half minute dance alongside BTS doing their practice, I will absolutely feel better. And I always do. Every time. It is literally a 100% reliable and predictable high.
It’s been fascinating to feel the pull of the addiction take hold in my body. I think it’s so strong because there are two simultaneous addictions happening. This is where dopamine comes in.
I want more of the feel-good dopamine high from the dancing itself. I’m also in an addiction loop from the process of learning the choreography. Dopamine also motivates us to work on our goals by creating a sense of pleasure when the brain is stimulated by achievement. Each time my brain gets a dose of this rewarding neurotransmitter, it wants me to repeat the associated behaviors. I feel this intensely.
Every day, I can’t wait to practice what I’m working on. I am super motivated (obsessed) to get better so I can move onto a next section.
On my worst days, I can binge 4-5 hours throughout a day practicing. It is starting to interfere with getting other things done. I make deals with myself that I can’t practice until I get certain things checked off my to-do list.
Sounds pretty much like an addiction.
But this seems to be in the category of a “good addiction,” especially a year into the COVID pandemic. Multiple times a day I flood my body with joy and feel-good chemicals. Within just a few minutes, I get a cardio workout and work up a solid sweat. I get sore from practicing and actually feel muscles in my arms and legs getting more solid.
Now that I’ve finally learned the Dynamite routine, I’m keeping my addiction alive by moving on to my second BTS song, “Dope.” The choreography is crazy fast and makes the Dynamite piece feel like a gentle warm-up. All I can say is they are incredibly talented artists and make it look SO easy.
It’s taken me 2 weeks to learn just the very first 20-second section. I’m barely at full speed. And I look awkward and uncomfortable doing it.
The pull to make progress is even more intense. And I’m grateful for it. This addiction is getting me into shape and lifting my spirits, more than anything else seems to, in these hard pandemic moments.
This year has taken such a toll on my body and nervous system, I realize now that feeling joy isn’t just a “nice” extra to have.
I can literally feel in my body how daily doses of joy are a necessary “prescription” to send the message to my nervous system that I'm ok. I can relax.
I definitely still feel pulled by my go-to food addictions and late night newsfeed. But I’m motivated to seek things that bring pleasure and also build my resilience and resource for dealing with the continued physical and emotional toll of on-going COVID reality.
Over the last few weeks of rain and cold, I’ve been making fires in my wood stove every night, and having fun with gourmet wood stove cooking!
Pan-seared tuna encrusted with black sesame seeds.
And potatoes and eggplant “oven roasted” over hot coals. YUM.
For the first six years after building this strawbale house, the only source of heat was from this stove. I remember stacking piles of wood every fall, feeling a deep sense of security and calm, knowing I had everything I needed for heat for the winter.
The best thing has been sleeping on a futon on the floor right next to the stove. There’s something about heat and orange glow from the wood fire that instantly calms my whole body down.
Here's to more joy and calm...connecting with quiet moments and simple pleasures. And of course, feeling gratitude each day for being in good health and spirits.